Rachels Risk – Chapter 24

Rachel finished her homework in study hall that afternoon and when the final bell rang, she tossed her backpack into her locker and exited through a side door. She came out near the track and field area, where the cross country team was warming up for their workout. Jogging across the far end of the student parking lot, she ignored the chaos as students fought their way to freedom through the main doors. Behind her, she heard an engine racing and she stepped up onto the sidewalk as the car roared past. Someone in the back seat whistled at her, but she ignored that, too, keeping her eyes on the ground.

Although no one had actually said anything to her, the news that people were discussing the fight did nothing to improve her mood. Anxious and jittery, Rachel spent her day with her nose in her books, paying attention in class, participating. In order to rescue her grade-point average, she was going to have to work hard the rest of the semester. At the very least it kept her mind occupied, so she had no time to think about anything else, like having a drink.

Now, though, the craving sank its teeth in and wouldn’t let go. With each step, she told herself she did not want a shot of vodka, did not want a black beauty, did not want a joint. Like a hunger pain, it settled somewhere in her midsection, making it difficult to ignore. Stopping to light a cigarette, she cupped a hand around the flame to block the wind and sucked the smoke deep into her lungs. Her hands trembled as she held the cigarette.

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 23

Despite the intense, emotional day, Rachel couldn’t sleep that night. For two hours, she tried to find a comfortable position, rearranging the blankets, fluffing her pillows, squirming and fidgeting. She counted backwards from one hundred, then three hundred. Nothing worked. In her mind’s eye, she pictured the vodka bottle nestled among her sweaters in her bottom dresser drawer. Three or four slugs would knock her out.

Rachel stared at the bottle, unsure how it gotten from the drawer to her hands. The cap twisted off easily and she raised the bottle to her mouth, then she hesitated. “Your grandfather was a drunk, Rae, and his father was, too.” Steve Harris’ voice echoed in her mind. Rachel shook her head, as if to physically toss him from her thoughts.

“Every time you drink, each time you get high, you kill a little piece of yourself. You make that choice, consciously or not. Maybe you don’t know this, or maybe you don’t care, but everything you do affects others in your life, just like what they do affects you.” That one made her recap the bottle. She rotated it in her hands, considering, staring at the red and white label without really seeing it.

Already her drinking had affected her relationship with Dan and it was straining her new relationship with Joel. Just two drinks, just one, that’s all I need. Then I can go to sleep, Rachel tried rationalizing. The clear liquid sloshed in the bottle and she could almost taste it, could almost feel the slow burn in her throat. Within seconds the liquor would check the anxiety, the brain shakes, as she thought of it. Within minutes, it would ease her into sleep. No one would know.

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 22

When did it get out of hand? Where did he step off the path? Steve Harris cross-examined himself after Rachel stormed out. What, exactly, had gone so horribly awry? Rachel’s accusations rang in his head. Everything she said was true, and he had done everything he had sworn he would never do. He wouldn’t be like his own father, abusive and violent, then remorseful and attentive. Everything his father knew about life and relationships he found in the bottom of a bottle. Steve vowed he would do better.

Steve’s father taught him how to drink, but Frank Slade taught him how to party. They were college roommates, best friends, and for three years Steve had followed Frank’s lead. The only good thing Frank ever did was introduce him to Anita, his girlfriend’s sister. His drinking was not out of control then, and Steve thought nothing of it. After graduation, he had married Anita and then they had Rachel. He went to law school and began his life.

The pressures began to build after that, and his evening drink turned into several. Rather than going home to Anita and Rachel, he started meeting his friends, and later clients, for drinks in the evenings. He felt the rift that divided his marriage and he watched Rachel grow up from a safe distance. In his mind, he was still better than his father – he never physically abused his family. Now he wondered how he could have thought neglect was better.

Rachel was right – the time they lost was gone forever and he could never get those years back. His daughter was a young adult now, making her own decisions. Those decisions were based in part on what he had taught her and she had learned well. Trust no one but yourself, don’t feel anything and don’t talk. He hoped it wasn’t too late to teach her a new way. He wondered if it was too late to learn himself.

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 21

She drove aimlessly, with the heater on high, dressed only in jeans and a tee shirt; in her haste to flee, she had forgotten her shoes. Her tears were spent, replaced by a blind fury that would not allow her to slow down. Rachel headed for the interstate, driving with no destination, no plan and no thoughts. An eighteen-wheeler tooled along in the right-hand lane and Rachel blasted down the entrance ramp, cutting in front of the trucker, who honked his displeasure.

Gradually she slowed to the speed limit as her anger toward her father faded to guilt. Despite the heater, the cold March wind penetrated the car, sinking deep into her bones. Rachel exited the interstate, winding through an unfamiliar neighborhood, trying to lose the image of her father that loomed in her mind’s eye. Why are you feeling so guilty? He is the one at fault, not you. That voice in her head, quiet for so long, now spoke up again. He feels guilty about you, about your mother, and so he blames you. Nothing new about that, but you always buy into it. It’s time you started seeing what this is about. He wants his own life and you’re in the way. Maybe you should think about yourself for a change and stop worrying about everyone else. Because they aren’t thinking about you.

Shut up, Rachel fought back silently. If you can’t help, then just be quiet. It’s always someone else’s fault. You never know when to quit. He was trying, I could tell, but you refused to accept it. You wouldn’t let me believe that things could be different. You convinced me it was just another lie, but you are the liar so just

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 20

It was one-thirty in the morning when Rachel left the party. Joel offered to drive her home but she refused, first politely, then rudely as he insisted. “Come on, Rae, don’t be like this,” pleaded Joel, following her out the door. Rachel stumbled over the low stone wall in Jenny’s yard, the same one that tripped Mike. Joel steadied her with a hand on her elbow, but she shook him off.

“Don’t call me that, damn it. It’s not my name.” Rachel hated the nickname.

“What?” Joel stepped in front of her, forcing her to stop. “Okay, I’m sorry. All right? Let me drive you home, what’s the big deal?” He decided to play it casual, since nothing else had worked. In the two hours since the quarters game started, he had watched Rachel guzzle five shots of Wild Turkey, on top of the vodka and beer she drank earlier.

“If it’s such a … not a big deal,” Rachel stammered, “then I can drive myself.”

“Why are you being so stubborn?” he demanded, instantly forgetting his resolve. “You’ve had too much to drink, you shouldn’t be driving.”

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 19

Later that evening, Rachel made her way upstairs and into her bedroom without disturbing her father. Kicking off her shoes, she sprawled across the bed fully clothed and closed her eyes. Her last thought before passing out was that she would have a vicious hangover in the morning.

Her prediction proved painfully accurate. The next morning, she stumbled into the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. Nothing happened, but her stomach roiled ominously. Several minutes later, after a few dry heaves, she got into the shower and stood under the spray a long time, letting the warm water pound the kinks out of her neck. As she dressed, Rachel popped three aspirin tablets into her mouth, letting them melt on her tongue. The acrid taste was intolerable. She chewed them and swallowed quickly, then she took a black beauty for good measure. What she really wanted was another twelve hours of sleep, but if she did that, her father wouldn’t let her go to Jenny’s party that night.

Though it was still early in the morning, she sat at her vanity and applied her makeup carefully; recently the circles beneath her eyes were becoming harder to conceal. When she could delay it no longer, Rachel went downstairs to fix some breakfast. With any luck, she wouldn’t see her father until she felt more human.

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 18

“Jenny says you’re my boyfriend. Is that true?” Rachel greeted Joel when he arrived later that evening to study with her. Already beginning to lose her winter pallor, her face held the first traces of a tan and her eyes sparkled brightly as she smiled at him.

“Depends. What does the job pay?” he countered, wrapping his arms around her. Before she could respond, he kissed her softly on the lips. “Excellent benefits.”

Turning away to hide her sudden confusion, Rachel took his hand and led him to her room, where she had been struggling to make sense of her geometry assignment. As he sprawled comfortably across the end of her bed, she smiled shyly at him. His calm reaction to her banter made her nervous, but she had anticipated that. He made it clear he liked her, but he didn’t pressure her and seemed to expect nothing in return. It was her own reaction to him that unsettled her. She hadn’t planned to say that, but when she opened her mouth, it just slipped and she could hardly take it back. Firmly pushing her thoughts aside, Rachel tossed her geometry book on the bed.

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 17

Saturday morning, when her father handed her the key to her Mustang, officially terminating her confinement, Rachel drove to her aunt’s apartment to apologize. A week had passed since the argument and Rachel had long since gotten over her anger. However, she hadn’t apologized yet, as she had promised her father she would. More than once, she had picked up the phone to call Kate, but it seemed too impersonal, and she couldn’t risk her father overhearing the conversation, learning what had happened. If her father found out what she said, he would be furious and Rachel didn’t need that kind of trouble.

During the drive, Rachel composed speech after speech, then mentally shredded them all. Nothing sounded right, sounded sincere enough. Just “I’m sorry” sounded hollow after she accused her aunt of sleeping with her father. If Kate slammed the door in her face and never spoke to her again, Rachel couldn’t blame her. It was a loathsome thing to say to someone, especially someone like Kate who had proven time after time that she loved Rachel unconditionally. Rachel decided she would just have to wing it. Taking a deep breath at her aunt’s door, she sent up a silent prayer and knocked rapidly.

It was much easier than she anticipated and she had worried needlessly about what to say; the words tumbled out almost the instant Kate opened the door. Like an active volcano, every emotion, virtually every thought she had had in the last four months rushed to the surface and bubbled over the top. Remembering Joel’s advice, she said what was on her mind, instead of trying to figure out what Kate wanted to hear.

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 16

During study hall, Rachel tried to finish her homework, but her mind refused to focus on the English assignment. Instead, she kept thinking about Jenny and the conversation they had at lunch. What began as an argument had ended as a truce of sorts. Jenny apologized for ratting to Dan and the counselor and Rachel apologized for getting angry, but she still felt Jenny deserved it. Jenny had been her best friend since elementary school, though, and Rachel missed her.

After she became friendly with Susan, Rachel discovered they shared the last lunch period and they had been eating together for the last several weeks. That afternoon, Rachel was picking at her food, waiting for Susan, who didn’t always show up, when Jenny’s shadow fell across her tray.

“Is this seat taken?”

“Does it look like it?” When she saw the hurt look on Jenny’s face, she added, “Are you going to eat standing up? It’s not taken.”

“How can I refuse an invitation like that?” Jenny asked sarcastically.

“You have the whole cafeteria, Jen. Why pick on me?”

“I’m not picking on you! All I asked was if I could sit here. What’s your problem, anyway?” Jenny exploded.

“I didn’t have a problem until you sat here, Jen,” Rachel said evenly. “That should tell you something. You just don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what? We used to be friends, but now I can’t even talk to you without you screaming at me. And that’s if you even bother to talk to me at all. What the hell did I do to you anyway?”

“You really don’t get it.”

Rachel’s Risk – Chapter 15

It was twelve forty-seven by the dashboard clock; no interior lights glowed in the house. The porch light was dark. When Rachel turned off the headlights, only the street lamp cut the darkness. She killed the engine and coasted into the driveway, hoping her father was not home, or already asleep. She leaned against the car door until it latched quietly, then crept into the house.

“You’re late,” Steve said in her ear as he flipped on the foyer light. The keys clattered on the tile floor and Rachel swallowed half a scream. The rest came out as a plaintive whimper; she sagged against the door for support and took a deep breath.

“You scared the crap out of me!”

“Where have you been? It’s one in the morning.” He ignored her remark. His voice was calm, but he folded his arms across his chest and narrowed his eyes.

“I, um, I went for a drive.” Her heart was still pounding, her mouth was dry, and her knees were shaking. The sudden light was blinding; she was disoriented and off guard, which was probably the point.

“Kate said you left around nine. You drove around for almost four hours?”

Rachel fixed her eyes on her keys, afraid to pick them up, afraid to move. With one long stride, her father closed the distance, standing centimeters away from her, millimeters. She tried to step backward, but the door stopped her. Very reluctantly, she met his stare.